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Tuesday, July 30th, 2002
11:48 pm - Moved LJ
Those of you that are on my friends list should get a notification. :)

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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
6:41 am - I am how I am...
I miss sex. The act of touching someone else and being touched. I sat tonight and thought about when I have my apartment. What I will do with the rooms.. how I will decorate... and the man (or woman) I will bring home to my bed. The person whose body will be next to mine in my bed. Because I won't be alone. Not once I am not living at home.

I have had a hard time bringing people to my mother's house. Women are especially hard to bring home. My mother knows and (more importantly) supports the fact that I am bisexual, but I have always felt a little ashamed bringing home ANYONE, and letting a girl into my life is terrifying on many levels.

Women. Women are wonderful creatures. Women are beautiful and sensual and loving and kind... except when they aren't. Then they are evil. Being a woman, I know this for a fact. I have had the greatest joys in my life with women, but I have also had an amazing amount of pain from them. (Different from other pains... maybe I hold that "women are gentler" thing in my heart more than I think I do)

My biggest problem being that I am attracted to women like me. Women whose hearts are damaged in some way. Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?) none of them that I have been with (save Mariah, who was wayyyyyyyy too old) have been through what I have been through. They don't understand why I react the way I do to things because they have never been through them... Men would see it as "a girl thing" more than a problem, but women see it as a problem. One that cannot be gotten across.

I react the way I react because of the things I have been through. Push me away, I will get angry. Cling too tight, I will get angry and distant. Confrontations make me shake and run. Anger in general makes me withdraw. Love makes me scared. Happiness feels wrong. Sadness feels appropriate.

Pushing me away... my family has done that. Frequently. I am un-needed. I am a stupid child who is too sensitive and thinks too much. Push me away.

Clinging too tight. When you have been stalked (for several years, by my father) then clingyness gets a little bit frightening.

Confrontations. Fighting was such a HUGE thing while I was growing up (and even more recently) Confrontations with my father ended up with his nails cut ragged and more pain. No, I don't like confrontations.

Anger, see above.

Love? When everyone who is supposed to love you either fucks you over or leaves, love stops meaning what it is supposed to mean. I am jaded. I admit that.

I am sure I will touch on this stuff more later... I am not sad or upset, I am just talking.

current mood: awake
current music: none

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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
7:27 am - About my sister.. about my family (or the majority of them)
"Fuck them. Who cares about them? You are allowing them to control your life" Of course I said these words as much to myself as to her.

Because I let them control me as well. Because Try as I May.. My sister's bitchy voice comes forward and so do other people's. People who are in the past.

But HIS doesn't come as often anymore. Not near as often.

But my sister's does. She says things in my mind that she never really said, but that I assumed she felt. And some things that she did say.

Like that I would hurt her child.. That is more Becky's way of thinking, not mine (getting back at someone by hurting their child.. it is also HIS way of thinking). I did not then, nor would I EVER hurt my niece. My sister I would gladly bitchslap a million times over, but I wouldn't hurt my nieces.

I hate my sister.

I hate that condescending shitty voice she gets. It reminds me of HIM. She really is more his daughter than I am. She reminds me of the bastard.

I hate that she is thin and slutty and a major bitch, but she has people who love her. The family (read: Mark, Mike, Hazel, Jamie) thinks she can do no wrong. And here I am. Fat-Ass, black sheep, horrid MULTIPLE me. (No, I don't think I am that way. But SHE does)

What Am I really? What is she missing?

I am smart. I am pretty. I am honest and loyal and kind. I love without limits those that would love me back (or even show me a little affection)

I laugh easily. I make others around me feel better. I give things away. I am selfless (to a fault).

I am a good person. It's too bad my sister doesn't know me. It's too bad my FAMILY doesn't know me. They are missing out on a lot.

Today is a day of sunshine. I remembered this morning that it isn't them that defines me. It is me. So I will smile, I will flirt with Jake. I will laugh with wild abandon. (I will probably sigh and roll my eyes as well, but that is okay, because I will also forget about it in the next heartbeat) I will work on things that have elluded me in the past and I will make a difference in the world today.

I still really wish my sister knew me. I think if she gave me half a chance she might even like me...

current mood: happy
current music: Wild Mountain Thyme

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Saturday, March 16th, 2002
5:21 am - I come here to write my sadness, because my diary-x is filled with shop talk and other happy crap
I am really tired of being in love with the idea of being in love. Of thinking every person is the one. Of losing my heart to someone only to feel it break.

So I will throw myself into my work (a new store!) and forget about love. Forget about pain. Forget about the fact that I am numb. That I cried today for the first time in forever because
1) I was frustrated (a stack of papers over an inch and a half high full of things I must DO to start my business)
2) because when I asked my mother what I bring to this business, she looked at me and said "Do you really have to ask that?" and then asked me to write it down "so [she] can remember" but really it was so I can remember.

The List?
Artistic
Loyal
High Ethics
Honest
Trustworthy
Creative
Personable
Loyal (AGAIN)
Supportive
Intelligent
Great Cognitive Ability

I sat and teared up. I didn't know what else to do. Why is my mother the only one who points those things out to me? Why is it that when I needed to hear it all I had to do was ask a simple question and I got a list that was saved. And I got asked "why do you write the good things about yourself so lightly?" with the implication that they either don't matter to me, or I don't really believe them and want to erase the ones that I see as "not fitting"

Which is true. Because I don't see that they fit me (Okay, Loyal, creative, supportive... but the rest? Not so much. I guess I am intelligent... *sighs*)

For someone so damned intellegent I sure figure out some dumb ass things to do and some dumbass ways to screw up my relationships.

I told Jake tonight I was flirting with the Birdies. I think it made him sad. He talked to Kimmy then. Stupid Nori. You love the guy, give him a break, right?

Not me! Nope. No way. PROVE your love, dammit. I don't want it to be too easy for you. I don't think I can handle easy... Hard seems right. Hard seems worthy of time and effort.

Easy relationships scare me. Wildly.

Hard relationships make me pull away. Draw so far into myself that I can't see out of the walls I have built.

Sunni built a room a long time ago, she sealed herself off from the rest of us. We built a castle around her room. It was the center of us, but also disconnected. The heart that did not feel what the body felt...

I feel very much like I lock myself in those kinds of rooms. And while I know it isn't fair to those who care for me, I can't just stop.

current mood: cynical
current music: Newsies Soundtrack (in my mind)

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Sunday, September 30th, 2001
4:43 am - Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy
that is all children. Move along. nothing to see here.

current mood: bitchy
current music: the sound of steam in my ears

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Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
3:36 am - I have not updated in FOREVER
hehe.. sorry all. I am slacking. Bad me.

Life is wonderful for me right now! I am even thinking of changing my name because it no longer fits me.

:)

current mood: giddy
current music: Love is a Many Splendored Thing

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
2:51 am - shortie
My weekend has been very busy.

Friday night, Micah came over and watched movies with me and spent the night. (He slept in the spare room, ya'll... geez) and then

Saturday night, Amy came over. She is staying tonight too. :) We have been laughing and talking and being pains in the butt (if you ask mom)

hehee.

Night all. (Not that I am going to bed, but YOU should!)

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Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
1:29 am - I'm Already There
I 'm Already There
Lonestar

He called her on the road
From a lonely, cold hotel room
Just to hear her say
I love you one more time
When he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
Then a voice came on the phone
Said daddy when you coming home
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
oh I'm already there


She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darlin
Don't worry about the kids
They'll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know I'll be in your dreams tonite
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whpser in the wind
I'll be there til the end
Can you feel the love that we share
oh i'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you
Whereever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there til the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
Oh I'm already
There

current mood: Lyrical
current music: I'm Already There (sung by me, tonight)

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Monday, July 2nd, 2001
2:35 am - Bitchy me.
She went offline really abruptly, and I can't help feeling like I said the wrong thing... again... always.

And it makes me very fucking sad.

And I just wanted to cheer her up, but it seems that my words were not the right words.

And I do wish I was there, or she was here.. and I do say it, all the time. That doesn't mean I want her to drop everythign and be here. It doesn't mean I want a ticket. It just means... I wish I were there. Or she were here. I wish we had a night together, because then I might not BE so scared.

I am always scared. And I guess it comes across as bitchyness. I guess my words will never be good enough.

I should stay locked up. I should never come out. I should stop talking, stop telling her I wish I were there.

I know the limitations of my heart, but I don't know the limitations of hers... and maybe by trying to soothe her I am actually hurting her.

I don't know. She is dispairing. For the past week/two weeks/three weeks she has been worried.. and it is all my fault and Noya's fault.. and I hate that. I wish I could just stop all this craziness. I wish I could just be whole again. that touches and teases and love just LOVE would no longer terrify me.

I wish that... I don't know what I wish.

I wish that I were sure that this is not going to be too much for her. That she will be willing to stick it out for as long as it takes me to be "okay" with whatever.. and longer.

My function is sex. and that worries her.

Noya's function is worrying.. fronting.. and she is hurt easily.. damaged.. always. She bleeds inside from a million different wounds. The cuts don't show on the outside, but T. sees them as an aura. A pain aura.

I am terrified that she will decide to "throw it all down" and that that throwing down will involve a letter, a call, something.. and her voice will be teary and she will say "I can't..."

And I will break. And I will die for real this time.

Or that I will live... that my heart will break and shatter and fall to a million peices.. and that I will live through it. And that my heart will turn cold, all because I love a woman so much that my heart breaks when she is sad, and my heart leaps when she says she loves me.

I am terrified that she will take that away.. and I am terrified that I will deserve it.

I am terrified that I am breaking her heart by being wounded and that soon she may see fit to wound me back. That I am totally unworthy of the love she gives..

(and this is Kimmy, not Noya.. and you will just hve to deal with that)

current mood: scared

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Sunday, July 1st, 2001
3:17 am - Love/protection/faith in us.
She wrote:
"Oh, my pretty baby. You hate being called pretty, I know that. You're so wounded sometimes I'm afraid to touch you. You have so many bruises and scars, sometimes I feel like they extend all the way outside your actual body--a small aura of old wounds, extending out three inches in all directions from your skin.

But you are pretty, you know. No, you probably don't know. But you are."

...

"So many times your beauty has been skewed and maligned, used against you like a weapon. I'll never make up fo the things HE did. I'll never be free of HIM any more than you will. I'll never forgive HIM, and I will never finish atoning for things that happened to you years before I knew you existed.

I get frustrated sometimes, you know. I feel like Sisyphus, pushing against the weight of HIS sins. And as much as you claim to hold me seperate from HIM, HE taints everthing that passes between us."

And I'm not pretty.. and She is right about HIM.
But she loves me. And I love her. And as long as she is willing to fight, so am I.

In "The Courage to Heal" there is a poem/letter from a woman to her lover's abuser. Every time I read it, I think of Toria. She seems to me, to be the protector type. And maybe that is exactly what I need to get past the things that have happened to me in my life.

A woman, who loves me no matter what. A woman who would gladly (I think) hurt those that hurt me in my past.

And I would let her.

And that scares me.

current mood: Loved!
current music: nothing.. how lame. (watching SNL on TV, though)

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Saturday, June 30th, 2001
4:19 am - need some sleeeeeeeep!
God-damn. I should have been in bed an hour ago, but SOMEONE (Constance) won't let me sleep with her obsession about B. from HOPE Center. She flirted SO much with him on Friday. I think he finally got the point that "Kelly" (as he only knows us by the body name) likes him a lot.

Okay. I am really tired. I am about to run off to bed, because I can't stay awake and I am gonna have keyboard prints on my face if I don't get going.

current mood: tired
current music: nothing.. too tired to listen to music! :)

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2:55 am - I called myself a freak.. she replied:
"Beautiful freak. Pretty tortured-angel girl with the shining agate eyes. My lively lacivious space-cadet baby. Precious little star-eating kittengrrl, like a fistful of crystal thumbtacks or a wineglass full of singing sand."

Wow... that is all I can say.. wow.

current mood: excited
current music: Poison: Greatest Hits.

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Friday, June 29th, 2001
12:30 am - Isn't it BORING?
T. was reading all of my old journal entries tonight. She told me and I said "you are reading my old journal entries? why? (boring, arn't they?)" She said, "No, not boring at all? I'm sitting here reading about the two of us falling in love. How could that be boring?"
Me: "Okay, well no.. that part isn't boring. :)"
T.: "None of it's boring. It's all you.

I love her. SO much. Insanely much.

T. and J. are so wonderful and special and... I just love them. And they loved each other first. And that makes things even better!

current mood: happy

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